And I will never forgive myself for falling in love with you.
This time last year, things were different between us. They were better, actually. For one thing, I was proud to call you my best friend.
For another, I could admit I had shamelessly fallen in love with you. So, I’m willing to bet you can understand the rush I had when you kissed me for the first time.
Do you remember that?
We took somewhat of an awkward stroll on our school’s abandoned soccer field. It wasn’t the first time you told me you had feelings for me, but it was certainly the first time you could say, “I feel the same way.”
I remember it so clearly.
I was in so much disbelief, my rush of butterflies was delayed until I understood the words that were just spoken. I smiled; you said nothing. Then, I asked conversationally, “What do we do now?”
Little did I know, that was the question that would change us. You sounded so sure when you instantly responded, “Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”
It all happened so fast, but when we stopped in the middle of the field, time stopped, too. After the confusion, the anger and the hell we put each other through for the past two years, it all came together as two best friends finally got their “magic movie moment.”
I remember it so clearly… do you?
If I knew back then what I know now, I would have walked away and never looked back. The day our friendship became something more was the same day it diminished into nothing at all.
You never called or texted back, but I still got the message. For months, I believed it was because of our timing. We took so long to get our feelings straight that we waited until the last day we would ever see each other: before I started my college life halfway across the world.
Maybe it was my fault for scaring you off; I just wanted one moment with someone I longed for so badly that it was too much when I tried to contact you again.
I’ll never forget how fast my heart was beating when I saw your name in my inbox after what seemed like an eternity. I’ll never forget how confused I was when I re-read every single word in your message. I’ll never forget how stupid I was to even think of wanting you back in my life.
To tell me you were in love with somebody else, on the day you were with me… good one.
To know our lips had met but our hearts were not aligned.
To make me believe that the hell of our friendship was actually worthsomething.
To have me think that you loved me even for a second, and you didn’t.
I guess it never mattered how much I loved my best friend because he never loved me at all.
Maybe I should’ve known. When you fall for your best friend, the con (out of many) is you know the person so well that you know what mistakes he or she is capable of making. Over the years, I’ve seen the girls come and go, due to your impulsive heart.
I just thought I wouldn’t be one of them, that you cared about your best friend enough. But I guess I’m just a silly girl now, aren’t I?
Excuse me for being confused, especially when you acted first.
I’ll never forgive you for acting so impulsively a year ago. I’ll never forgive you for leading me on. I’ll never forgive you for using me. I’ll never forgive you for destroying the “magic movie moment” I couldn’t stop thinking about months after it happened.
I’ll never forgive you for the walls I built because of you. I’ll never forgive you for breaking my heart, and I will never forgive myself for falling in love with you.
But, no matter how well my life is going right now, and no matter how happy I am with another, I can’t seem to heal these scars that constantly hold me back.
I try so hard to break down these walls I built to keep you out, but what you did leaves me mortified to even try.
I’ll never forget how you nearly demolished my shot at another love. I’ll never forget how it feels to reminisce on our laughs with a broken heart.
I’ll never forget how painful it was to let go of a person I used to trust so much, I thought I could give him my heart. I’ll never forget you because I’ve never been scorched so badly until you came along.
Though I’ve already moved on with another who makes me happier than you ever could, I give him my heart with trembling hands because of how you broke it.
God forbid he cuts himself on the broken pieces, but I know that you’ll be just fine.
I will embrace that you are just another lesson learned, and I certainly won’t be making a mistake like you again.
You’re probably wondering right now, why is there so much anger behind the words that used to be so sweet?
Well, my “friend,” love leads to hate because there’s nothing in between.
I will never forgive you, but I will never forget you either. And trust me, it hurts me to say both.